I cannot get over this depression.
I don’t know what’s gonna help me.
Graduation’s the quick escape option.
But unfortunately, time is the biggest factor against me.
What is it with me and losing friends…?
In my young years, I used to have a neighbor I was extremely close to. Cindy… Cindy… Cindy… We hung out almost every weekend and almost every day in the summer. We were quite the dynamic duo! Although I can’t remember exactly when I met her, I definitely remember having feelings for her, even though we were only in like… what. 3rd grade? The nice thing about it was that she even liked me too! Too bad she moved to Seattle during my 6th grade year… I can never let go of that talk we had on the night before she moved away. I couldn’t stop crying. I kept begging her to stay, but she didn’t have a choice… I remember being depressed as hell for weeks in the summer after 5th grade. I still remember the last words she ever said to me: “Maybe fate doesn’t want us together. You’ll find somebody else. I promise you. Love ya’ ” I don’t know how it happened, but we just lost all contact with each other. No AIM… no Myspace or Facebook… Didn’t even get her number or address… Maybe that’s why I’m so fascinated with Seattle… I’ve been there once, and I’d love to go there again. Not to find her, but to… to get away for a while.
And then there was my elementary school best friend. Kevin. Ahh yes… We did the unthinkable and fucked shit up, but nonetheless had a blast doing so. Met him in 2nd grade in Ross’s class, and we were best friends all the way through 5th grade. Again, I don’t know what happened. He pretty much abandoned me in 6th grade for another group of new friends. Replacement. Fabulous. Thanks for leaving me to be a loner (literally. I had nowhere to go for most of my 6th grade year). It didn’t exactly help that there were people that hated me for no reason too. I got picked on, backstabbed, accused; people made fun of me… It was a horrendous year.
But that was all made up for in 7th grade. While there were ups and downs afterwards, it was all made better when I met Ann. Not gonna lie, she made my 8th grade year awesome. It took a while but eventually we gained each other’s trust and started talking to each other every day. I felt particularly happier since I was able to flush out and vent all my problems to her, as she would do for me as well. I started liking her even more in 9th grade. Every time I came down to Jefferson to visit, she’d be running up to me to give a huge bear hug.. haha. But things became different after a couple of months. It’s like she started forgetting about me. I didn’t want to let go. I wanted to keep fighting because she was one of the only good things in my life at that time. She was my best friend… And from that point on, it just became a series of ups and downs, ups and downs, ups and downs… Eventually leading to utter replacement by the time I became a sophomore.
Those were the three most significant friendships in my life - All crushed.
There’s no doubt that I miss them all so much. People always tell me that I have to forget about the past; that I have to move on and find better people. Well, I can’t blame them for raising my standards for what the term “best friend” means to me.
While I still have to go through my final semester in education and make the best out of speech, choir, Tri-M, and Interact… I really have nothing else to live for in this community.
Sincere apologies for the followers who had to scroll their way past this long wall of text. It was just a lot to get off my chest. But for those who were ever so kind to read through this… Kudos to you.
January 28th, 2012.
FRIDAYYYY >:O
And it’s finally the 3-DAY WEEKENDDDDD >:O
I’ve been thinking this through for the entire week, and I’ve pretty much lost all tolerance for you two. It doesn’t do the conscience any good to dwell on bothersome thoughts. This is completely out of my control and the only thing I CAN do is stay professional about this. Any hope that I had for the two of us… is completely gone. I’m sorry. I’ll still work with you until the end, but I can’t make any promises for whatever happens in the end.
I’d rather forget and not slow down.
January 27th, 2012.
T’was a tiring day…
Didn’t go to OPP practice because I was too exhausted to do anything x_X”. I didn’t have any homework so I knocked out for 4 hours :X. Played piano… and all in all, I’ve been chill today.
Aghh… I’ve been having plenty of depressing thoughts run through my head this week. So much frustration and unfairness. I wanna get out of this community so damn badly. My number one solution to the majority of my problems = Graduation. College… There’s nothing more that I want than to get out of here and start anew.
Is it so cowardly of me to run away from my problems? Believe me. I’ve tried dealing with these problems for the past 6 years. However, I figure that those problems are best forgotten.
It’s all just a matter of time…
Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time.
Tick, tock, tick, tock…
60 seconds. 60 minutes. 24 hours. 365 days.
The clock is ticking.
January 26th, 2012.
Damn it, I keep forgetting to post these things but I guess I get pretty caught up in homework these days -_-“
I’m spending more late nights on homework, I can’t prioritize every single thing at once… I have to take things step by step but the problem at hand is…
What step do I take next?
January 25th, 2012.
First day of 2nd Semester… Damn. It really hit me hard.
So in the end, everything balances out kind of nicely… Other than the fact that the freaking coordinators at the Union Station Adult Center keep screwing me over for services -_-” Well Fuck Youuuuu for replacing us then!
Practiced a bit more piano… I’m determined as ever to apply myself on the piano and get to a good level of playing ability.
Accidently fell asleep for an hour today in the middle of the State of the Union Address…
I should probably get my shit together, huh?
January 24th, 2012.
Nothing really happened yesterday that was blog-worthy.
And today was just another chillax day. FInished a good portion of my FAFSA, cleaned out my binder, drove around A LOT just to get out of the house and stuff. Certainly enjoyed the rain too…
Tomorrow’s the beginning of the end. One step closer to graduation, one step closer to judgment.
