February 2010
94 posts
January 2010
83 posts
Entry No. 25:
January 30-31st, 2010 (2:07 PM)
——
Yesterday went better than I expected.
And amazingly, my depression faded away over time at Spring Varsity.
Beforehand, I was seriously considering dropping Spring Varsity because of all the crap I was going through (+ Barely any practice put into my speeches)
… But I went anyways.
Round 1A (OI) started at around 8am? I hit Pryscilla,...
Entry No. 24:
January 29th, 2010: 11:05 PM
——
Today was a chill, but unproductive day. Didn’t do any homework, but I made some adjustments to my violin to somewhat sound better, and also practiced and learned some more songs on the guitar.
I didn’t get a good night’s sleep last night. It’s rare that I actually cry myself to sleep these days, but it just happens… All...
I never should have had that conversation last night…
Things are so fucked up and it’s all my fault…
I was always forgotten, wasn’t I?
I just want to sleep all fucking weekend long and do nothing.
Maybe afterwards I’ll feel better? HAH. Yeah fuckin’ right.
I feel extremely discouraged to go to Spring Varsity now…
It’s not going to impact my grade… it’s going to cost me some money for the drop fee, but shit… if I’m going to perform, I need to be happier, not some depressed,...
Last Words of the Day:
I really didn’t expect the things that happened today… to actually happen.
Ahh shit… I’m fucking crying right now and there’s no one to help me…
I’m on my own… I’m alone.
——
If there’s one thing I’ve finally noticed: It’s that I never keep close friends for too long.
And it always ends in some kind of drama.
...
I can finally say…
with 100% truth, assurance, and legitimacy…
that I have truly failed as a friend.
“Today, I realized how truly evil Voldemort is. He turned Cedric Diggory into...”
– Lulz
Entry No. 23:
January 28th, 2010: 7:45 PM
——
Today was a decent day in terms of school and learning.
But today was just a crappy day in general in terms of my emotions and whatnot.
Speech: We got into groups of 3 and performed. Because we didn’t have enough time, I didn’t have to perform. Saw Eileen and JDiep’s speeches. Fun, but tiring and depressing period.
Chemistry: We...
Entry No. 22:
January 27th, 2010: 7:17 PM
——
For some strange reason, I’m not feeling very well; Physically, and Emotionally.
To map out how my day went… let’s see…
0 period speech, I kind of memorized some more of my OPP… Spring Varsity’s coming up and I feel semi-screwed o.o”
1st period chemistry: I know for a fact that I got 2 wrong on my 7-8...
Last Words of the Day:
Still not done with my essay, but whatever.
——
I’m still thinking to myself, and I just know for a fact that if I somehow end up being friends with her again, it’s going to be the same thing over again…
What’s worse? Living with neglection, or living with depression.
Neglection leads to depression, but it feels somewhat better to be isolated from them,...
My emotions got the better of me.
I guess this is something that I’ll have to live with for a very long time.
Fuck life >.>
Entry No. 21:
January 26th, 2010: 4:21 PM
——
Today was a very difficult day for me (It’s not over yet, unfortunately)
In speech, we got new A Pattern groups. Guess who’s in it? - Pryscilla (Woot!) - Singleton (Double Woot!) - Shoe. (Wait. WTF?)
I don’t see this as a bad thing. I see it as… another chance to become friends with her again.
I know, I know, I’ve been...
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut. My weakness is, that I care too much. And my scars remind me, that the past is real… I tear my heart open, just to feel. I’m drunk and I’m feeling down, and I just wanna be alone. I’m pissed cause you came around, why don’t you just go home? Cause you give me all your pain, and I can’t help you fix yourself. Your making...
I swear that if one single thing goes wrong tomorrow… I will be in the worst mood that I have never been in before.
This agony is so unbearable…
Jealousy is such a hateful emotion.
I just want to rip my heart out and be emotionless…
Because this shit is killing me every second.
I’m scarred for life.
——
I’m trapped.
Trapped in darkness.
...
Entry No. 20:
January 25th, 2010: 4:41 PM
——
I figure I’m just going to live with depression forever.
Might as well start getting used to it since I see no hope in making things better (In fact, I think I’m just making them worse)
I’ve been defeated by fate once again, and I completely give up now.
Three cheers for being a pessimist >.>
Not much otherwise to say. Today...
Entry No.19: (continued)
January 24th, 2010: 10:41 PM
——
At the moment, I’m studying online Spanish flashcards. What a joy -_-“
I’m going to be so screwed on tuesday /: So many quizzes and tests and shit… And even an ortho appointment to top it all off.
——
Well enough about looking into the future.
Today, I just happened to reflect a lot… again…
I’m...
I don’t know who I am anymore…
*Sigh* It’s okay… It’ll all be over soon…
Hopefully.
Entry No.19:
January 24th, 2010: 1:14 PM
——
I’ve been doing more thinking than granted based on all my emotions lately. It’s because of what I’ve been doing lately; it’s been a change.
There’s a reason why I didn’t make this whole “zero depression and drama” thing a new year’s resolution.
Because I don’t believe in them. They...
“Anything you dream is fiction, and anything you accomplish is science, the whole...”
– Ray Bradbury (via booklover)
Entry No.18:
January 23, 2010: 11:26 PM
——
A typical saturday, with nothing much to do but homework, music listening & playing, and studying.
A lot of things were on my mind, but I’ll keep them in there, thank you very much.
I remember before 2010, I was hoping for zero drama, zero depression, and a better focus and perspective on things for the new year…
…Well I sure...
“What hurts more than losing you, is the fact of knowing that you’re not...”
– How painfully true >.>”
I was hoping that Sophomore year would be a much better year than freshman year.
Boy was I fucking wrong.
“So where
Do we go from here
With all this fear in our eyes?”
– Chris Brown (Crawl)
Times have obviously changed….
They’ve come and gone…
I can’t hold on to the things which seemed so great; so perfect…
Practically nothing is the same in my life.
——
I suppose it’s time to accept this fact and move forward.
And maybe I’ll find something… or someone that can help eradicate these forsaken memories I once had.
Butter[knife](stab)*@_@*
Mendez: holy crap I can't believe it...
Jannie: hmm?
Mendez: I can't believe..
Mendez: IT'S NOT BUTTER :O
Jannie: LMFAOOO
Mendez: I MEAN IT LOOKS LIKE BUTTER
Mendez: AND TASTES LIKE BUTTER
Mendez: BUT IT'S NOT BUTTER!
Jannie: LOLOL
Mendez: Yeah.
Mendez: but seriously,
Mendez: I can't believe it's friday already :o
Jannie: i know ]:
Entry No. 17:
January 22nd, 2010: 7:10 PM
——
Ahh… Friday at last, and the week’s finally over!
But I have a shitload of homework awaiting me >.>”
——
Well, what can I say today… The most prominent thing on my mind is this internal war that I’ve been facing this week.
I’ve been fighting against my own morals and beliefs, and taking the...
Entry No. 16:
January 21st, 2010: 7:02 PM
——
Today was honestly a bad day, emotion wise.
But a good day, school wise.
——
Let’s start with the good stuff: School.
I have 5 A’s and 2 B’s for the 1st semester report card. Good enough.
I barely have any homework today (In fact, I don’t think I have any at all o_O”)
Totally aced my first history...
“It’s my life
It’s now or never
I ain’t gonna live forever
I...”
– Bon Jovi (It’s My Life)
I never knew reactions would arise this fast.
I do know, however, that what I’m doing seems wrong and immoral. That this isn’t the person you used to know.
What did I tell you?
The Jonathan Isaac Mendez of 2009 is gone.
Even though it’s wrong and I’m hurting others in the process, at least it makes me feel a WHOLE DAMN LOT better.
I’m done being selfless; after...
Entry No. 15:
January 20th, 2010: 8:25 PM
——
Today was a good day, to be quite honest :O I felt more… in control of things.
As far as I know, I have 4 A’s and 2 B’s. I don’t know my English grade, but I’m hoping it’s going to be an A /:
So far everything’s pretty chillax, now that finals are finally over. haha
And I’ve developed this...
I'd like to say one more thing...
So far, January has been full of its ups and downs. Some of them resulting in beneficial things, and some resulting in total chaos and confusion.
I’d like to make myself believe that there will be better days in the near future (Perhaps this week? :D)
I can feel myself getting closer to a lot of people now. Some of these strengthening bonds being quite unexpected, I realize that I’ll...
We’re back in school tomorrow. Woot.
I need to take more initiative in things.
initiative…. initiative…. hmm.
“The saddest thing in the world, is loving someone who no longer loves you”
– Anonymous
Entry No. 14:
January 19th, 2010: 4:53 PM
——
It’s a wonderful day today. Of course, I must be talking about the weather because it’s been a constantly proven fact that my life is too shitty to be good, but that’s okay.
——
I had the urge to rant again yesterday. This urge was triggered by a similar thing like last time.
However, I don’t think I explained what...
So I’m inching for some answers. I think I’m breaking through.
It’s going to take some time though.
Churros
Mendez: holy shit if you have a headache...
Mendez: I bid you well, that you don't end up imagining that you're a tortilla
Mendez: or even worse, a quesadilla :P
Jeanie: Haha, I just hope I don't turn into a toquito :o
Mendez: LOL
Mendez: or some ghetto shit like a crunchwrap surpreme
Jeanie: LOL
Mendez: oh jeez... I wonder how that would feel
Jeanie: Nachos
Mendez: a chimichanga O_O
Mendez: empanada?
Jeanie: Haha wow.
Mendez: a CHURRO. LOL
Jeanie: HAHA SUGAR COATED.
Mendez: :D
“Today, someone shouted, “Look, a distraction!” and pointed behind...”
– MLIA
“Friendship is like poison:
It slowly kills on the inside.”
– Yours truly.
Entry No. 13:
January 15, 2010: 6:30 AM - January 18, 2010: 4:14 PM
——
So I got to the school at 6:30AM for the James Logan Overnighter. Boy was I excited :D
Hubes (Hubert) was my bus buddy, and we basically rode on the bus all the way until 3 PM.
During that bus ride… We watched Star Trek, The Blind Side, and Up.
We also made 3 stops.
First Stop: It was this rest stop owned by a legally...